This will be my first post all in english, someone could ask me Why? I have a lot of answer to this questions, because I can do it, or because I want to train, maybe because I am crazy. But the only real answer is: Because I want to put a lot of feelings in this post, and I don't want that some person be able to read it.
Sounds crazy yes? I know, but I never said that I am a normal person. :D
I have to say the truth to all of you, who is reading my blog. The real reason to this travel is because I want to run away. Yes, I want to run away of my problems here in Brazil, a long time ago I had my first boyfriend, with 23 years old. I always think this happens because i wasn't good enough to get a boyfriend. And then this relationship ends, without any reason at all.
But, in this weekend I discovery the truth, it happens because he is gay, he likes men as much I am.
Talkin like this is a little bit funny, but in fact this hurt me a lot. I realize that all I lived with him was a lie, and in fact none really love me. This make me felt like a shit. Because I don't have the best self stim, and this was like an blow on my face. Sure that this is not the reason to this travel, because this didn't happen yet when I dicide to go away.
But, I was suffering because I love him, and he ask me to go out all the time, but never ask me to date him again, I was feeling used by him!
And now, I am feeling more used than ever. This is kind of horrible. But I don't know why I want to prove people that they will miss me, that they have to give some value. Because I use to do anything to my friends, but is like this isn't enough never.
And all of this hurt me a lot. I don't know why I am telling all of this here, maybe because when i write I realize that all of this is just bullshit.
That I am saying all this because I am sad... But I will recovery myself, and I will never give up.
I always believe in the charming prince, and when this happen I thought, "Come on Priscila, He doens't exist, is just an ilusion", I was thinking, in the past two days, that the love doesnt exist at all...
But I was wrong, the love is here, all around us, the love to our family (doesn't matter if they are not perfect, and sometimes they can hurt us), the love of our friends (even if sometimes they don't understand how is to be in your shoes), the love to our pets (they are always by our side, no matter what is the problem...) and the most important and perfect love of all, the love to ourselves, this is the love that I almost lose, and if you lose this love, we can't have anything else, you can't be happy.... And I almost someone steal this love, but not anymore... I have to say all this things, to feel better, to put the things in order inside my head, to feel good with myself.
Sorry girls to use this space to do this, to tell about this problem that doesn't have anything with the Au Pair Program. But I really have to....
So, now I can say, I am not running away anymore, I am just trying to be better, to rise, to grown up, and maybe, never let anyone hurt me like this again...
So.. good night and good dreams...
Sounds crazy yes? I know, but I never said that I am a normal person. :D
I have to say the truth to all of you, who is reading my blog. The real reason to this travel is because I want to run away. Yes, I want to run away of my problems here in Brazil, a long time ago I had my first boyfriend, with 23 years old. I always think this happens because i wasn't good enough to get a boyfriend. And then this relationship ends, without any reason at all.
But, in this weekend I discovery the truth, it happens because he is gay, he likes men as much I am.
Talkin like this is a little bit funny, but in fact this hurt me a lot. I realize that all I lived with him was a lie, and in fact none really love me. This make me felt like a shit. Because I don't have the best self stim, and this was like an blow on my face. Sure that this is not the reason to this travel, because this didn't happen yet when I dicide to go away.
But, I was suffering because I love him, and he ask me to go out all the time, but never ask me to date him again, I was feeling used by him!
And now, I am feeling more used than ever. This is kind of horrible. But I don't know why I want to prove people that they will miss me, that they have to give some value. Because I use to do anything to my friends, but is like this isn't enough never.
And all of this hurt me a lot. I don't know why I am telling all of this here, maybe because when i write I realize that all of this is just bullshit.
That I am saying all this because I am sad... But I will recovery myself, and I will never give up.
I always believe in the charming prince, and when this happen I thought, "Come on Priscila, He doens't exist, is just an ilusion", I was thinking, in the past two days, that the love doesnt exist at all...
But I was wrong, the love is here, all around us, the love to our family (doesn't matter if they are not perfect, and sometimes they can hurt us), the love of our friends (even if sometimes they don't understand how is to be in your shoes), the love to our pets (they are always by our side, no matter what is the problem...) and the most important and perfect love of all, the love to ourselves, this is the love that I almost lose, and if you lose this love, we can't have anything else, you can't be happy.... And I almost someone steal this love, but not anymore... I have to say all this things, to feel better, to put the things in order inside my head, to feel good with myself.
Sorry girls to use this space to do this, to tell about this problem that doesn't have anything with the Au Pair Program. But I really have to....
So, now I can say, I am not running away anymore, I am just trying to be better, to rise, to grown up, and maybe, never let anyone hurt me like this again...
So.. good night and good dreams...
4 comentários:
Oi minha lindinha, um final de semana sem entrar na net e tantas coisas se passaram.
Primeiro:
Quanto ao seu passaporte, graças a DEUS que vc conseguiu. Ainda bem que vc não deu ouvidos para a sua agente. Ainda bem q vc foi insitente, não admitiu a derrota sem ao menos tentar. Vc é realmente uma pessoa de muitas qualidades, é muito sábia ainda q tenha tão pouca idade, mas isso não significa nada, não é verdade?!
Quanto ao post que vc teve seu primeiro contato com as outras au pairs, nossa, que show, eu sou louca para ir nesses clubinhos, mas os únicos que eu fui, foi na agencia da stb e eu vou pela Fit, a Fit só sai perdendo nisso. afff..
E quem le seu blog tá aguardando ainda a foto de sua Hostfamily ;D
Quanto ao seu post todo em inglês, vou confessar, demorei para ler, meu ingles tá meio enferrujado, mas o que eu li, deu pra sentir q vc tá muitooo, mas muitooo triste. Eu sei o quanto é difícil separar de uma pessoa que agente ama muito, mesmo que essa pessoa nem mereça tanto, ou mereça nada.
Sei que seu coraçãozinho está dilacerado, não há muito a se fazer. Vou te falar o que fiz e que com muito esforço consegui superar. É chorar muito mesmo, chorar até as lágrimas secarem, pq não adinta fingirmos que estamos bem, pq não estamos, vamos ser sinceras conosco. Mas nunca deixe a sua familia de lado por causa dessa tristeza, sempre ouça sua mãe, sua família, deixem eles te consolarem, isso faz muito bem, pq vc vai ver o qnt sua familia e amigos gostam de você. Vc verá que nã oestá sozinha.
Receba todo o carinho do mundo, deixe mesmo ser paparicada.
Faça essa viagem mesmo, que vc encontrará pessoas novas, um mundo novo, lugares diferentes e divertidos. Você passará uma experiência tão única. Aproveita mesmo. Isso fará com que as chateações do Brasil desapareçam de seu coração e qnd voltar, será uma outra pessoa.
Só não esquecendo das amigas aki au pairs tá bom!!
Mas pegue com Deus toda força necessária para vc passar essa fase, e ela passa, acredite, passa!! Pode demorar um pouco, mas qnd vc menos esperar tudo já terá ido.
Espero amiga, que você seja forte para superar isso, que Deus ilumine sua vida, não a deixe cair em trevas.
Lembre-se: Deus escreve certo em linhas tortas, pode ser que ele tenha a livrado de um grande mal. Pense nisso.
E não duvide do amor dele, acho que ele te amou sim, não sei qnt tempo vcs ficaram juntos, mas é certo que ele não ia ficar com vc se ele achasse que não gostasse. Agora ele descobriu o que ele realmente quer. Exist pessoas que não aceitam gostar do mesmo sexo, porém, é a natureza dele e não tem como fugir, mais cedo ou mais tarde vai se revelar. Eu tinha um amigo que era hetero, porém o jeito dele era todo de gay, todo mundo falava q ele era gay, e ele ficava puto de raiva. Ele até ficou com uma amiga minha, até então eu acreditava que ele era hetero mesmo, mas o tempo passou e ele não conseguiu. Hoje ele é gay assumidasso.
Pode ser isso que aconteceu, não teve como ele remar contra a maré.
Mas não fique triste mais minha lindinha, vc é uma pessoa muito especial e tenho absoluta certeza que vc encontrará alguém que te amará muitooo e que vc será mtooo feliz. Vc é mto dedicada a tudo que faz, a sua recompensa chegará.
Agora, é só pegar com Deus para que ele alivie sua dor.
Gosto muito de vc amiga! Qualquer coisa, pode me procurar.
Um grande beijo e um abraço bem apertado.
Ahhh, não me esquecendo, fiquei muito feliz por vc ter dado aquela animada com aquele mega beijo.
Agora, espero que fique mais animada ainda, pois faltam apenas 55 dias, 12 horas e 46 minutos....rsss...
T++
Fica com Deus!!!
Prika, you're right when you say that the love exist! And you don't need to apologize because this is YOUR space, honey, and you can do everything you want, ok?
I hope you don't be sad anymore, and enjoy the life, because she is beautiful, although sometimes don't seem it!
Take care! many many kisses!
Prika, feel free to open your heart here, as the person above has said, this is your place!
I am sorry those things have happened to you, but be sure they're going to make you stronger!
Love DOES exist, you're right!Sometimes people who really love us are not able to show it the way we wanted them to do, but they do!And as you said, the most important love is the one we have for ourselves!
Keep on fighting, Prika!
Believe in life, love and in yourself!
Good luck!
=*****
Por isso vc tava com aquele nick no msn ne!
Poxa que triste, mas to torcendo por vc, vai dar td certo! viu bixinha.......vc tem sido maravilhosa comigo e pode ter certeza q tudo de bom q agente oferece p/ as pessoas, volta em dobro!
be safe ;)
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